ABC of Apology
ABC of Apology
To apologise well is hard and courageous. Let's make it easy.
Being human is complex.
We care, connect, conceal and reject; shower love and also turn the faucet off in a reflex.
We share, though rare (properly), yet things remain unclear.
Upholding bonds is tough, but we only grow if things go rough.
To grow more means to know more, and to know more means to face even more.
A) Introduction
Apology demands vulnerability.
Requires tremendous humility to admit mistakes and go beyond one's ego to sincerely touch someone's heart.
Apologies can benefit the giver as well as the receiver by reducing guilt, fostering self-compassion and strengthening relationships.
A meta-analysis of 175 studies found that apologies did, indeed, influence forgiveness. (E2)
Apology asks for courage as we need to overcome the animal instincts of self-protectiveness. (D4)
Why are sincere apologies hard? Answer lies in our need to protect our sense of self and our need to feel good about ourselves which leads to defensiveness. The outcome is justifications and excuses.We also tend to overestimate how uncomfortable delivering the truth (hence, a good apology) would be.
If this barrier to sincere apology works, this makes it hard to properly communicate. And, this makes repairing a relationship, be it any, harder. This also projects as if we don't care for a bond either. (A domino effect ensues.) So, a true apology is a courageous act.
B) Weak Apologies
Not using “I" (Eg. Saying something like, “this shouldn't have happened." & not saying “I shouldn't have done it." Idea is to own it and when you say “I", it shows that you fully care to express it.
Buts & Ifs (Signals justification, insincerity and not fully realising the gravity of one's action.)
C) Proper Apologies
Focuses on the other person’s feelings and needs, not your own.
Apologies are better late than early. To process and present the matter deeply and properly requires time. Don't rush it.
Express regret. Avoid saying “I want to apologize." Simply say "I apologize or I'm sorry.”
Using an “I” statement strengthens your apology by taking responsibility.
Explain, but keep it brief. Skip justifications & excuses.
Keep options open to people to leave out if they're still uncomfortable over the lie. Eg. Don't block their path or constrain them till your apology is communicated. (A double bad.)
Taking ownership is vital. It's tempting to say that you didn’t mean any harm. People don’t want to hear these justifications because it weakens the responsibility.
Convey the feeling of being understood. By saying how your actions have affected or hurt the other person.
Say you'll never do it again.
Offer to repair the damage you've done. (Have a good idea about how you're going to, too.)
Ask for forgiveness but don't have any expectations.
D) People Cited
Lisa Leopold, an associate professor of English language studies at the Middlebury Institute of International Studies at Monterey who has analyzed the language of public apologies.
Karina Schumann, an associate professor of social psychology and head of the Conflict Resolution Lab at the University of Pittsburgh.
Beth Polin, an associate professor of management at Eastern Kentucky University, who studies apologies.
Marjorie Ingall, coauthor of the new book Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies. “It’s also really hard.
Cindy Frantz, a social psychologist at Oberlin College who has researched how timing influences apology effectiveness.